not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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