I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
