Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
