never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She's the barista slut.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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