literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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