Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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