The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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