Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
