i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
