i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
