Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
