Screwed.edu
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
