Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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