U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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