I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
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