why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
