i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
