The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
