I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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