I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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