His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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