just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I can't put those talents on a resume
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
