Ambien. No doubt about it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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