My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
