I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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