He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
