It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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