yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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