it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
