whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
