Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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