The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
