it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
