he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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