I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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