so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
