I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
