im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
