I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
