It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
