seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
