he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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