Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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