This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
