And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
