hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
