Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
