There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
