Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
