I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
